“Did you see that?” I whispered.
“What?” Ivy’s hand grabbed my upper arm.
I stood frozen in middle of the room. “Something ran in front of the window. Maybe a shadow.”
“How big was it?” Bryn’s voice lightly came from the side. I could barely make out his silhouette as he approached.
“I don’t know. It was a blur.”
The floor creaked as we stepped closer to the window and I could hear Ivy holding her breath. The air was electrified causing the hairs on my neck to stand on end. Bryn crept closer to us from the other side of the room.
All three of us jumped as a growling screech traveled out from under the couch.
“It’s a stinking cat,” Bryn turned his flashlight on and shone it in the direction of the culprit. The calico’s eyes reflected red as it stared at us.
“We live in a town that is over a hundred years old so you would think we would find something. I swear we are never going to find anything,” Bryn exhaled. “I think we would have better luck searching for aliens.”
“We are not going to find aliens in West Chester,” Ivy flicked the light switch on.
Well there you have it. I'm going to go and take a bottle of Tums.
Have a great weekend!
Nice...the stupid cat scared me too. Great job.
ReplyDeleteBut what are they really looking for? I want to know.
ReplyDeleteI consider anyone who posts their work online super brave! Kudos!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Very creepy. :) Don't sweat this, it's very good.
ReplyDeleteOh, spooky. Well done!
ReplyDeleteLove it! I think this scene really works. As a college student my friends and I used to go "ghost-hunting", which I assume is what they're doing here? I'm so curious to know what they find next!
ReplyDeleteYes, posting the first page is terrifying on so many levels. Great job surviving it!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great start. Nice tension to pull me in.
I love the humor and the repartee between the characters. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love this, and looking at it like this, I REALLY love it. Great job Christine!
ReplyDeleteLots of tension and the humor comes through well. This was great :)
ReplyDeleteOr ARE they?? Very fun and spooky. I can't wait to read what they're looking for. :)
ReplyDeleteIntriguing start! I'd read more!
ReplyDeleteSee, with that kind of beginning, something just has to go terribly wrong in the pages immediately following. Now I'm wondering what that might be....
ReplyDeleteNicely done!
Great tension through the dialogue. You kept it short to reflect their nerves. Maybe tighten the first paragraph a tiny bit? You have some repetitive elements. But I loved the mood and ghost hunting sounds like a lot of fun. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOooh, foreshadowing?! Love it. Good job, Christine! No need to have fear. The water's fine...
ReplyDeleteI want to hunt ghosts with Anna, Brynn, and Ivy. This was really good. I could see the moonlit window and hear the clock. Good tension, Christine. Love this blogfest!
ReplyDeletehmmmm... or ARE THERE???? love it!
ReplyDeletewant to turn the page so badly!
Visit My Kingdom Anytime
Put the Tums away...you have nothing to worry about. This was excellently laid out and very well-written. Page 2 here I come!! :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I'm so intrigued.
ReplyDeleteA great first page. Loads of tension and mystique. I like the transition (using the cat) from fear of the unknown, to the kids playing a game in their living room.
ReplyDeleteI get the sense that the movement she saw was more than the cat, however, and that mystery will keep me reading on. I can see it as a plot tip.
The only thing I'd mention is the first paragraph is overdone; too wordy for the tension.
A suggestion for re-write: I took soft steps as I crossed the hardwood floor. The moonlight created a glow through the large picture window; shadows flickered in the corners of the dark room. The ticking of the clock matched the beating of my heart.
Something like that; to keep the initial tension. Just keep out the parts where she tell the reader she thinks she sees something. The next line "Did you see that" says it all.
Well done for tension, setting, plot and character building. I'm interested to find out if its ghosts or treasure they're hunting for.
.......dhole
Wow this rocked!!! I loved it, the names were super cute and I loved how you said the hairs were electrified to stand on the back of their neck!!! How great! You're so brave!!! I've been contemplating doing this!
ReplyDeleteOoh creepy! I like it. I'm easily scared by little things, like the wind blowing, so I can totally relate to the characters getting freaked out by a cat. Very nice! :)
ReplyDeleteFun! I liked everything except that the part where Bryn mentions the age of the town bordered on info-dumish. Is that a word? ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the aliens reference.
You know how I feel. Great job on all the edits too! Love it. Thanks for joining in ;)
ReplyDeleteOh the mystery! I loved it! And the end of the scene was classic. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWhy do they never learn? Why do kids insist on going into the creepy buildings? ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Christine.
PS
Bryn is a great name for a character, too.
interesting! I was all getting geared up for a zombie scenario. Now I want to know what's really going on!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I agree -- that cat was scary!
ReplyDeleteI do think that the second sentence in the first paragraph is way too long, but you can edit it to break it up.
Nicely done! I definitely would want to read more.
This was pretty good, Christine. And I don't mean that in a condescending way that text without emote can seem. I want to know what they're looking for and why they think it's in that house.
ReplyDeleteSpooky - great start! I want to see what's coming!
ReplyDeleteOooo, you have me wondering. What's next? :-)
ReplyDeleteI felt the hairs on my neck stand up at the same time! The sudden change in mood was good and it makes me wonder what's going to happen now that they are a bit more relaxed.
ReplyDeleteYou are really good at using pacing to create tension. Also some nice attention to detail.
ReplyDeleteI had the same suggestions as Donna--rewrite the sentence order to put the action at the beginning of the sentences in the first paragraph. If you want to get really picky, there are a couple punctuation things I'd fix, such as using periods rather than commas before the quotation marks.
Nice work!
Nice tension, but, as others have said, that first paragraph needs editing. There are too many distracting images - keep the focus, and the second sentence is quite clunky. Just my humble.
ReplyDeleteNice job, Christine. I'm not going to nitpick the writing, I'm just going to say I like the characters and the setting and I think you have a good story here.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as someone who occasionally drives through West Chester, I'm very glad to know that no aliens will attack me when I get to the other side of the river.
Very nice, Christine! Keep up the good work, and there's no need to be nervous because you write so well.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Christine! I like the ticking clock with the beating heart. Can't wait to read more hopefully at some stage!
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I missed this blogfest, and a few others as well actually, because of my hiatus, but well done, Christine. Suspenseful and a little creepy, but intriguing. I'm very curious about what they're looking for.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked that line of mine in my first page. Stay with your dream. Writing can funnel the loss, hurt, and anguish we all must feel into something concrete -- and hopefully healing or helpful to those in the darkness who read our words. Have a healing weekend that holds only happy surprises, Roland
ReplyDeleteNice buildup to the cat -- and nice release of tension. Although I was bit confused about the town being over 100 years old, is that supposed to be old?
ReplyDeleteThe tension at the end is great, creates a real question in my mind to know what's going to happen. I did see a little cliche in the first paragraph of the blood in the veins. Good start.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the very beginning. It was an easy start, not hard or difficult to get into at all. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback, hosting Last Line Blogfest, details on my site.
Very mysterious and gives the goosebumps. Good job.
ReplyDeleteAwesome tension! Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteHow did I not comment on this? I did totally read it! Sorry. *hangs head in shame* Love the scene. I want to know what REALLY ran in front of the window.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot and would keep reading, but I think it could use some work.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph has a lot going on and quite a bit packed into each sentence. It would be better served if the sentences were shorter, giving each one more punch. That should help build tension. There is a lot of wordage between something catching her eye and her looking for it. Yes, it builds some atmosphere, but it takes a bit of that urgency away.
You have a decent set-up for a story here, but I'm afraid it is a bit overwritten and can be cleaned up. You are definitely on the right track though!