Thursday, July 1, 2010

Share your Darlings Blogfest.

***First check out this contest--The lovely Erica Mitchell Spickard is giving away some amazing prizes. Please tell her I sent you. Ends July 9th. Get over there and check out her site. If she gets up to 78 followers a special prize will be revealed.


Michelle Gregory is hosting the Share your Darlings Blogfest. Here is my really rough ending to my first chapter way back when. I wish I could share the whole thing but that would be super long. This is long enough. I really liked this but I have now started my story off a different way so buh bye to this scene.
The beginning is mainly Anna and her Dad talking, while dad maneuvers through a snow storm.

My dad shut the radio off as his eyes squinted trying to focus on the road. The truck filled with silence except for the scratching of the windshield wipers and the crunch of snow under the tires. We lived about five minutes from Ivy and so far the ride was taking twenty.


“Maybe you should have stayed at Ivy’s.” I could hear a little worry in his voice which is not normal for my dad. He always seemed pretty brave. I opened my mouth to answer when blinding  lights charged at us. 


A roar of a SUV engine came out of nowhere at a high rate of speed, blaring its horn. A dozen thoughts raced through my head—the only one that really stuck out was –I’m going to die. The SUV hit my dad’s side and hit so hard I banged my head on my door. The metal crunched and scraped. I heard glass shattering and became disoriented not knowing where I would wind up. My head pounded and throbbed as the truck pushed sideways down the street. As the truck started to slow, the deafening screech of the metal slowed.

When it stopped, the sound of steam whistling came from the engine. My vision blurred as my mind bounced in an out of consciousness and I began coughing trying to catch my breath. I tried looking over at my dad as a warm gush of fluid dripped down the side of my head. 


Must be blood. That can’t be good.


I tried to touch my head but my one arm was pinned somehow. My eyes kept closing as if heavy weights were pushing them down and sharp pains began to scatter in my chest and stomach. So this is how it ends for me.


“Dad?” I whispered.

It was hard to talk and I tried to reach him but a sharp pain ripped through my arm. I wanted to see him smile. He had to be okay. He was my rock. I realize this now. It’s funny how things become clearer in a moment of tragedy. Trying to focus, I saw him hunched over the steering wheel. His dark hair out of place and his body limp.


“Dad?” I tried again. “Wake up—please.” My body shivered.

There's no heat or am I loosing too much blood?

I heard sirens growing louder as I tried to release my arm that was stuck.


“Dad, help is coming I hear it. Hear it? They're coming for us. Hang on dad…please.” Tears started to rise to the surface of my eyes, a metallic smell filled the air and I realized it was blood. It made me queasy and I wondered if it mine or was my dad bleeding too.


The flashing lights cut through the darkness, I could hear doors slamming, people moving and talking outside. A sharp pain pierced the back of my head and my eyes squeezed shut in the hopes it would help relieve it.


 “Hello! Are you okay?” A male voice called.  I could his presence next to my window but I couldn’t lift or turn my head to see him. All I could do is moan in pain.


“We're going to get you out. Stay still,” He commanded. “What's your name?”


I tried to answer but nothing came out. I felt my door working its way free and opening.


“I’m Nate. What's your name?” His calming tone worked its way through my ears.


“Anna,” I whispered. Nate gently lifted each eyelid as he flashed a penlight in front of my eyes leaving me with red dots flashing in my sight.


“Okay Anna. Can you feel your arms or legs?” He tried to place a stethoscope by my heart, stopping for a second because the seatbelt blocked his path.


“I don’t know. My one arm is stuck and the other, I think, is broken.” I couldn't concentrate, I wanted to know how my dad was.


As Nate gently cut my seatbelt, he looked towards the driver side of the car his eyes sank for a second and placed them back to me. “I'm going to put a brace on your neck then we will get you into the ambulance, okay?”


“Okay,” I said as pain shot up into my chest. I remained still as Nate gently put the brace around my neck. My eyes started to close, I tried to keep them open but I couldn’t.


“Stay with me Anna.” Nate pushed some hair from my face.


I took a deep breath which really hurt and said “My dad.. get my dad out!” It took all my energy to say it and I blacked out.

Sorry for the length and the first draft stuff. Hope you guys have a great weekend! I'm going to see Eclipse tomorrow.  Wahoo! Team Edward! That's all I'm sayin'.

11 comments:

  1. Though this is good I love, love, love what you have now!

    Yay for seeing Eclipse! I hope you enjoy!!! I'm more team jacob, but just because he looks better with his shirt off!

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  2. Oh man! I'm worried about her dad! You lost this baby? I'll be it was replaced with something even better! Good job ;-)

    ~JD

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  3. I agree with Jen! It may not feel like it sometimes, but you're making lots of progress in the right direction. :-)

    Have fun at Eclipse!

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  4. I still love this. But your new one ROCKS! So, sadly buh bye my good car accident, grief stricken first chapter :)

    I saw Eclipse yesterday!!

    I am SOOOOO Team Edward :) Hope you have so much fun!

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  5. ...loved the post, Christine:)
    Progress is a wonderful thing...

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  6. you really put me in the scene. great stuff.

    you're not listed in the linky thing. come on over and put your link in so everyone can read this.

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  7. Thanks for the shout out! You rock. I love this, but I know you've taken a new direction and the direction I read is wicked awesome. There is some really great stuff in this scene though <3 your story :D
    Erm...I'm team Jacob and always have been. I know, I know. But he's just so darn'd cute and he's hot, both on the screen and temp wise. The cold thing weirded me out, how would you warm your feet up with Edward? That was always my thought :P

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  8. I was expecting just a chatty father daughter talk, and wow! got this intense scene instead! Awesome! It is so... realistic. All the details really makes me feel like the accident just happened to me. Awesome job. Only thing I noticed that you might changed is you used "gently" twice, close together.

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  9. Ooh, I love it when we figure out a way to make the start of our manuscript better. Sounds like you've nailed it! YAY!

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  10. Well, this was intense, emotive, very engaging. My arm and head hurts now. The re-write must be pure awesomeness. Good luck Christine; sounds like you have a lot of support for the new direction.

    ............dhole

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  11. Hi,

    Lovely touching scene, and I guess if you've re-written it really packs an emotional punch!

    best
    F

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