Monday, March 8, 2010

Would you keep reading ?

Holy cow! my followers have grown.  Thank you guys! I guess I will have to start thinking about a 100 followers contest.  I hope everyone had a great weekend! I got a lot done.

1. Read my baby beginning to end and boy do I have a lot of revising.

2. Came up with a new twist that I will most likely put in Book 2.

3. Came up with some ideas for another idea I thought of a few months back that is totally unrealated to my current WiP.

4. I actually had a dream for a new idea which is weird for me because usually music guides me.

5. Finished a critique.

6. Revised my first chapter for the 3rd time.

7. Won a gift card on sarahjayne's blog.  Thank you again! Yeah! I hope I have luck like this when I start to query.

My brain was really working.  Before I start my post a couple of things --

1. Go to Kelly's Compositions and sign up for the first page blogfest.  It will take place on April 2nd.  This is the first blogfest I will be participating in--yeah!

2. Every Tuesday and Thursday --The Beta Club over at Roni (Fiction Groupie) posts a piece for an open critique.  Roni is so awesome. So go there and give your thoughts on the piece posted.  I will be posting but not until April.

Now on with my post.  I wrote this quickly and wanted feedback. I have been finding any sort of feedback extremely helpful so comment away but keep it in a nice tone.

 I am not going to tell you what it is for--it could be for my current WiP or something else I am thinking about.  After reading it, please review my questions below. Thanks!

Excruciating pain bled through my body as I hit the hard pavement. I landed on my back and I laid there looking up at the dark sky watching the stars wink at me.

What happened? Ran through my mind.

The heat began to slide down out of my body leaving it numb as it escaped. My throat constricted allowing limited air flow to my lungs. Faces of people began to crowd my view and their voices muffled as their mouths moved in slow motion. A metallic smell began to flood my nostrils as warm sticky liquid dripped into my ear.

My vision blurred then a curtain of black lowered in my sight.

So give me your thoughts.

Here are some questions too.

1. If you read this at the end of a first chapter would you want to continue reading?

2. What do you think is happening here?

3. Any pointers on what I could do to make it better?

Just some fun.  Thought I would put it out there.  My posts may be random this week so keep checking. As always I will be commenting, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. :) Have a great day!


  1. Wow the excerpt is brilliant! It left me wanting more, I would definitely want to read the next chapter immediately following. It sounds like she has quite the injury!

    Excellent job on winning the gift card!!! Thanks for the tip on Roni's blog, I'll be sure to tune in!

  2. 1) Yep, I would definitely keep reading.

    2) I think she must have been hit over the head, some sort of trauma to her body anyway.

    3) I see a little bit of wordiness. (I do this, too-just call me Windy) For instance, "The heat began to slide down out of my body leaving in numb." You don't need the rest. We can already picture what's happening. And it will make it flow better. So, check your sentences for any redundancy or unneeded passages.

    Very nice. You have a gift for description.

    LOL. My word verification was ~ lesse.

  3. Too many adjectives!!! Apart from that, I would want to read on, but if there are too many adjectives I find myself waiting for it to become a "housewife novel".

  4. This is good stuff, I'd read on. My first thought was that she'd been hit by a car (I think the crowd made me go there?).

    I agree with too many adjectives and wordiness. Action/tension scenes need to be tight and sharp.

    Nice work.

  5. I am thinking she got hit by a car. I would for sure keep reading to the next chapter :) The only thing I could say is that there are some excess words that could be trimmed to tighten it (like the other comments). But I really love the description, you are so good at that.

  6. Nice. You know I would keep reading! I agree, too wordy/adjectives- you know this is a problem I have as well ;)

    Hmmmm....I think something overtook her, making her fall and hit her head.

    Oh, thanks for the shout out!

  7. Commenting right back at ya! :) I really like the excerpt. I would definitely keep reading. I think it's a little disorienting, but not in a bad way, especially since it's first person and the narrator is still figuring out what happened/what's going on. Well done!

  8. I love this... very intriguing.

    If I was reading a book and this was at the end of the first chapter I would definitely read on. For sure!

    My favorite line was, " I laid there looking up at the dark sky watching the stars wink at me."

    I don't know what happened, but I want to know more! NOw!

  9. Hey Christine! I wanted to throw out my opinion about Twitter, since you asked yesterday on my blog! For me, Twitter is very much the same group of people as blogging--mostly writers. I only have a few real life friends or non-writers through Twitter. So, Twitter has become a way to keep in more contact with writing friends, to connect with agents more, and to find great writing links. Facebook, on the other hand, is a way to stay connected to real life friends (and writing friends too).

    I would say join Twitter whenever you're ready for the next step. It really doesn't take that much time. It can if you let it! But it doesn't have to! And it's another great way to find support.

  10. I would certainly want to keep reading - and I would think she had hit her head, or something similar? I think you could achieve the same impact with fewer adjectives... but I like it!

    Good luck. It's very brave of you to share it!

  11. Sounds like she was thrown backwards. It's well-done. I got engrossed in the story and wanted to keep reading. I might take out the word "bled" as in the pain bled through her body. I got the sense that she felt bleeding in her head, so using the word in a different way (which would normally work) takes away from the description of what's happening inside her ears and nose.

    Thanks for sharing it. Good luck!