Stress can make you react in weird ways.

Well folks, I'm not myself today. I'm sorry. I had a critique that threw me down. A while back I had an opportunity for a critique by someone in the business. I'm not giving names or details. I highly respect this person and to be honest the critique was very constructive --so today I'm taking it that way. It was extremely helpful but I have to make major changes. There was also a comparison to a book which I read after I wrote my story and at the time I read it I freaked out because the beginning scared the crap out of me. Some of the parts were frightenly ( I think I made up a word) similar. So I have an evil eye for this book and have been trying to change some of those similarites. I knew this might happen and totally hated the thought then and now.There are positive points to the critique so I'm sure why I reacted this way. I can take critiques and this one was not that bad.

At first, I did what I try not to do. I cried. Yes, I did and hard. I wanted to ball up and disappear never to be heard from again. I see now how stupid it was after my daughter said what's wrong. I think mainly because I've been stressed out. My house, my kids, my life--lately has been stressful. Again, I will not bore you with the details. The critique broke me. Like I said it wasn't bad, it just threw my brain into a tizzy and made me react in a really stupid way. Stress with real life sucks. It makes you react to things in weird ways.

I just kept thinking how flippin hard I've been working on this changing it a gazillion times and now I have to re evaluate my whole story. My whole idea. Most of the night, I tortured myself on how much I sucked and I don't know why I think I even have talent. How I put every flippin ounce of energy thinking about this story and how to change it to make it better. Taking every stinking moment I had alone and some I would sneak when the kids were quiet (unlike right now) to work on this. Why did I start this now? With small kids? Am I insane?

I'm also trying to catch up with all the books I want to read and can't. By the time I get the kids to bed, I want to write and that's at 9:30-10. I try and write for an hour but most of the time it's unproductive because I'm too damn tired.

Then I told myself I have no time for the negative-- this is a sign, right? A sign to make me work harder and prove that I can. Right?

I feel bad because I felt for a second that I was putting all this time into this and what if I fail? That's part of the whole thing-- failing can happen.

Doubt crept in pushing me to quit but I'm pushing that aside. For now.

I love this too much. I have too many characters speaking to me. Ian and Anna looked at me with tears as I tried to forget them.

I'm in too deep. I'm willing to put in the time and learn.

I know more of this will come.  Pain and torture. This is only the beginning but I really know what some of you mean. I know how it feels and I don't have an agent or editor yet. So I give all of you the biggest credit and hugs. This is hard --I've always known that. It's only going to get harder. Can I take it?

I think so.

Crying only sheds the pain--releases it. Determination builds the strength and helps shield the doubt.

It's a small bump and I can take it. (I hope). Here I was writing all these posts about self esteem and determination. Now I plop back down. Sorry. Human here unless Edward puts me out of my misery. Where is that boy? Needed a distraction.

Thanks for reading and if I don't post for a few days (which may be hard) I'm just trying to get back on track. Taking a breather.  Re evaluating my story and my idea. Because I'm not sure where its going to go. Can I continue it? Part of me hates not to finish the revisions but I don't want something that sucks either. I have other ideas-- should I start one of those? I don't know right now.

My CPs will slap me a little I'm sure. :)

This is only the beginning.  Please don't think I'm a whiner. I feel like every couple weeks I post something like this. Sorry. I'm putting a positive spin on it and trying to apply that to the rest of the stresses I have.

After the whole night, ideas did begain to surface on what I might be able to do. Changes that even though require some work will make this WiP better. There are signs from this and I'm thankful for the person who did this critique. It would have happened sooner or later but I'm glad it happened now.

This also made me smile. This is by Abby Annis. I hope she doesn't mind that I used it for my post.

Oh and please excuse any mistakes. My brain was not thinking clearly when I wrote this. Have a great day!