Monday, March 1, 2010

Taking chances and second guessing.

I want to thank all of you for your amazing and generous comments on Friday.  I was actually a little embarrassed after posting my snippit.  I began to read other amazing snippits by other awesome bloggers and my little piece barely glimmers compared to all the talent that is out there.  So thank you. I also was very excited to see I have 60 followers-- boy, did that make me smile.

I am sure many of you have felt the rollercoaster of emotion in this world or writing.  Yes, I am new at this and have already been through a whole bunch of them and I know only more will follow. I am learning so everything takes time.   I have posted on crazy emotions before and will probably post on it again at some point.

This weekend I had to really look at myself and question.  I have been on many blogs who post this same dilemma and I respond with an encouraging comment from the bottom of my heart--I really do mean everything I say.  Did I mention you guys rock?

 Throughout my life, I was shy and lacked confidence. These flaws made me miss many opportunities.  I was never one to even talk about myself in great detail and here I am blogging my little heart out. Why? What changed me?

Well, I went to college and got a job in the field I wanted to be in.  Interior design is what I chose and I do love it--it has made me stronger, more confident, and more outgoing. I learned how to sell my talent and show confidence even if I wasn't.  But.....

When I discovered writing 10 years ago, I would have never let anyone read anything.  I was not good enough--would run through my thoughts. So I would secretly write when no one was around in a dark corner somewhere hiding my journal if anyone came into the room.  So why pursue this now?

I took a chance and let someone read my story and well that is how this all started and made me realize that I could not miss another opportunity. I didn't want to have a another regret--life is too short.

Since then, I have started this journey and it has made me take many chances.  Why? It is unlike me.  I am not a daredevil or even spontaneous. Is it because I have this fire burning inside me to push myself?  A drive like I never had before making me want something so bad it hurts, to show the world that I have a story to tell (and many more if I get the chance). I still get knots in my stomach everytime I post something I write but lately I feel I have to--to reassure myself that I might possibly be o.k. at this. 

On Friday I took another chance, I posted 1,000 words of my first draft  on Teen Fire (Writers Forum) to get feedback on what I should change (you should try it).   Maybe I jumped the gun-- getting ahead of myself as I always do.  I don't have the experience that the other writers have to show my work.  Do I?  Why am I so eager to take these chances?

I turned many different colors due to lack of breathing waiting to hear what the masses had to say and as the comments began to pop up -- I realized it wasn't so bad.  I got feedback that I needed to hear.  It was good to hear.  Even Lisa and Laura gave me awesome pointers--thanks gals ;) But this is not what bothered me this weekend--in fact it sparked new ideas to flow into my head for my WIP.  It made me want to jump back into my WIP, roll around in the words soaking them in and making them better.  This was a good thing.

The problem I had after all my new ideas rolled around was I started to look at all the books that I have read and that I want to read.  I  reminisced with the ones I loved, read the captions of the ones I have yet to lay my eyes on and this is when my heart began to sink and turn grey.

I have written a first draft which I am proud of but all weekend all I could think about were all the parts I thought resembled all those other books.  I know there are only a handful of plot lines to which all these wonderful novels spark from but those authors make it different.  Are they really that different from each other? Then my eyes wander down to the word doc icon --the one with my first draft file sitting...waiting ...for me to look at it. That's when I broke down.

Who would want to read this? Is it that different? Yes, I have a ton of revising to do and I am o.k. with that but how do I get away from possible similarities?  Will the reader be constantly comparing what I write to all those other books? All the parts that I think resemble everything else flashed through my brain. I seriously was ready to just delete it and start over with something new.

Sure I have had these thougths before as I am sure many of you have and it is part of the whole process. It is what makes us better writers.  I know this but it doesn't change the fact that I am human. I will have moments like this both euphoric and deeply depressed.  I dislike second guessing myself and I know this is not the first time and will not be the last.  I need to slow down and quit pushing myself too hard. I tend to speed up when I am excited about something and that usually gets me into trouble.   I just have to keep in mind why I started this in the first place.  I started this because deep down I love it--it is comfortable, it makes me happy (for the most part) and it makes I think in the end it makes me feel good about myself and I love the characters I create.

I know you all have felt this before so I am sorry if my blabbering is boring. I had to vent--you know --get it out there.  Like I said before I am learning.  I don't want people to think of me as a whiner or someone who is weak.  I just needed a little place to let the feelings fly and work them out. I  have to go now and eat a big box of chocolate that is accompanied by some hot chocolate --yikes. Then I need to critique and read my first draft cover to cover --I need to continue--I can't give up.  I need to make it the best it can be.

How do you get over feeling this way?

If you are feeling this way now feel free to vent too.

What made your weekend great? :)  Random questions I know --hey it's Monday cut me some slack.                          

BTW--I forgot to post my truth from Thursday's post. It was number 6 --I drove a Porsche 911 Turbo through the mountains of California--really fast.  My husband is a car lover and it trickles into me too. :)
 Oh and if Robert Pattison was one of my best friends --I am sorry -- but I am not so sure I would share ;) (maybe I know him in parallel universe--new thought for a story) :)  Enjoy the view;) There are way too many happy faces in that paragraph.

Sorry, photo removed.

Something to brighten your day after my downer of a post :) Have a great day!