Friday, February 1, 2013

Why I keep going.

It feels like this whole month has been about reflection for me. I've made a ton of mistakes over the past few years in my writing life and I'm sure I'll make more. I've let my thirst for a certain goal blind my focus. You've heard this before and it's nothing new. I think I'm trying so hard, but wind up getting beat down, which comes with the territory. The thing is I'm searching for a certain support from someone whom I love. I feel like no matter how hard I try, my writing seems a mediocre feat in this person's eyes.

I can't ignore all the support I've had from everyone, not only in this community, but in my daily life. It's beyond words and I can't be more thankful. But you know how you just want that one person to believe in you. Even if they say they do, there's that hint of doubt when they smile or that haze when you talk about a victory. My writing is me and I can't let that go so why can't this person see.

I keep going to prove that I can do this, to show that this is what I am. I've never written this into words before and I've been holding on to it for years. I know deep down this person loves me with all their heart and I love them.  I just want to stop feeling guilty for writing, I want this person to truly believe in me.

Sorry for the sappiness today. I needed to release this, and well, I feel a little better. I probably am at fault because I keep a lot of my writing a secret. I guess because this person never seemed to care about it. And maybe they do and they're too afraid to show it. I don't know. It's one of those things. No paycheck then why spend the time type of thing. At least, that's the impression I get.

Anywho, what's buggin' you today?

Have a great day!!

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I used to feel like this all the time, but then I got used to the fact that for this certain person, writing WASN'T special, and that their attitude was never going to change. Of course, I got the 'support', but I have never, do never, and will never, see that person express the same amount of enthusiasm for my victories as I do. I have since stopped talking about them, unless I'm asked. which took a lot of work on my part because I needed to figure out a way to feel excited about stuff, without needing another person to be excited too. I think it's one of those 'validation' things. As time goes by, you learn to stop needing it. You'll get there, one day. But you need to TRY to get there. You need to psyche yourself into that frame of mind. And then, when someone DOES get excited like you do, it's even more special :-)

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  2. My parents have never supported me in this endeavor. They think it's just a hobby. Which totally sucks. The only thing I want to hear is, "I'm so proud of you." Which I never have.

    Just keep plugging away, Christine. Don't give up your dreams or your goals because the person you love doesn't believe in them. It's what YOU believe in that makes you who you are.

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  3. I can understand how you feel. Out of my quite large family only two people believe in me and cheer me on and one of them is my mom the eternal optimist who sometimes convinces herself stuff is true when it isn't (last fall she asked when my book was coming out and I had to remind her I didn't even have an agent yet). The rest seldom inquire about my other life and if they do it's more out of politeness than anything else. Consequently, I don't tell them every time I get a request for a full because they're response would be, "Oh, that's nice," and go back to whatever they were doing. However, when I tell my CPs I got a request, then I get the response that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something - in fact, sometimes THEY get more excited than I do! And I think Jessica has a good point. Some people are never going to be excited about writing and books and we have to accept that, hard as it may be. Meanwhile, I will continue to write and practice because no matter what other people think, I believe.

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  4. Christine, you're making me so sad, but I completely understand. My mother has always bucked against anything I wanted to do. I want to grow my permed hair out, she thinks it'll look awful. I do it, it looks great. I want to cut my hair short, she thinks it'll look awful. Again, I do it, it looks great. Granted, both of these examples are about hair. But... I have always had to be strong in my own eyes, and know who I am as a person without her. She's only just started to believe in me now that others are saying good things about my writing. And it's okay. I accepted a long time ago that she is who she is and I love her regardless.

    The paycheck thing is just silly, and I hope this person sees that. Writing is first and foremost a personal hobby. We do it because WE LOVE it. Because we are our happiest selves when writing. NOT because we want to make money. I think the fact that we CAN make money overshadows that. A LOT. My mom and I have always been crafty. Back in the day, we rubber stamped, we made cards, now everyone scrapbooks. Do they make money off of it? No, they just love to do it, and they do it for themselves. Remember that.

    And I know how much it can hurt to not have that person's support, but the truth is you may never. And that is THEIR loss. You could get traditionally published, become more famous than J.K. Rowling and Stephanie Meyer, and this person STILL may not support you. You just keep that passion from within. That inner light will shine brighter than any paycheck :)

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  5. Hi Christine, sorry I've been so missing from your blog lately. I do read but don't always comment! I think women writers struggle with this more than men and not sure why. It's difficult to move forward with our dreams and passion when we aren't getting support from those closest to us. And that idea of "wasting time on something that doesn't pay" can destroy the best intentions. Hang in there!

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  6. No apologies necessary, sweets! I don't say this for any other reason than I feel it's true. You so remind me of myself. Only a short eightish months ago, I was in the same mind-frame. I was trying so hard in so many arenas of the publishing industry that I lost my focus - focus on what really mattered, which was my writing. I began freelancing more - just for fun and exercise; payment didn't matter. Free writing and chatting with other writers really helped. I'll be honest. Since I signed with my agent and sent her my edits, I've slacked off from my writing relationships and writing itself. So excited to finally have someone believe in me, I think I let that hype get to me and then I dropped out of the sky. Point being: WE need to be our motivator and write for the love of it, for what it fills us with inside. I know we've chatted before, but I'd be willing to chat, brainstorm, or whatever.

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  7. You and I are very much alike, in the sense that we beat ourselves up constantly and go up and down with emotions. I think it's because we want it so badly, and for me, it is hard to imagine this ever working out. Maybe it has to do with writing never being part of my "original plan." I do, however, think we are VERY lucky to have the support of PLN. So many great people are in our area, each in a different place of the journey, and we all get along so well. For me, it has made all the difference. I feel part of something. You're going to do great, Christine. Keep working hard and keep both eyes on the prize!

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  8. I'm sorry, Christine!
    The people we love don't always care about the same things. And that's hard to understand sometimes. Let it push you to keep writing, but be prepared that when you reach that goal, that person may still not care like you want him to. Which means you have to do this for YOU.

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  9. I agree with Alex. Do it for YOU, no one else.

    I receive huge support from my readers, the amazing writing community and friends. So good at times it moves me to tears. But my family - whom I love very much - NOTHING! At first it hurt, now I don't even bother anymore.

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  10. Some folks just don't get it, others are jealous, and still others feel threatened.

    I know someone who professes that support, and then turns around and sabotages the process at every turn. Insecurity, that's all it is, but hurtful all the same!

    Thanks for posting, as writers we know all the emotions, rejection, lack of support, jealously ... but in the end when someone says to you -- I really, really enjoyed this!
    The rest goes away, and the first thing you do -- start the next project!

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  11. Oh, Christine, I know how tough this can be. When writing isn't a part of someone's world, they really don't understand why it's so important to the writer. The next time that person mentions something they've done, like shaving points off a golf game, then say, "So you understand exactly how I feel about my writing accomplishments."

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  12. When you say feeling guilty for writing...I identify. It was my first husband who would make comments like, "I wish *I* had time to write." Like, I'm supposed to stop writing!? Which I didn't. But it hurts when someone you value "puts you down." He would do this in public, and years later some friends told me they "noticed." This is your decision, of course, but I do hope you keep writing!!

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  13. Over the years I've learned that writing is SO SUBJECTIVE that one person's opinion is almost irrelevant. Do you write to satisfy the expectations of one person, or as wide an audience as possible?

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  14. I understand exactly how you feel, Christine. Sometimes I feel I try so hard but get no results--writing and otherwise. But you can do it! Just keep at it. Persistence is key!

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  15. I understand exactly how you feel, Christine. Sometimes I feel I try so hard but get no results--writing and otherwise. But you can do it! Just keep at it. Persistence is key!

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  16. I totally understand what you're saying. I think every author has that one person they are trying to win over, but seem to never accomplish it. What we have to remember is in writing, the learning journey is part of the adventure. And no matter what you do you can't please every reader. It's just impossible. Keep working on your dream. It will happen.

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