Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My Place


So it may be the head cold that has put pressure on my brain or the whole mass chaos of life and querying, but I've been thinking about my place. No, I'm not talking about the song, In My Place by Coldplay, although, that's playing in my head as I write this. I'm talking about my place in this whole writing world. It is a mystery to me. On one hand, I feel like I'm fitting in, getting there, and being respected. Can I write and am I good? Is a constant question. The fact is--I don't know. I feel like people are honest, but then I feel like they are holding back because I'm that bad. It's a constant battle in my head. I feel like I'm losing friends for reasons I don't know--did I say something wrong? I feel lost sometimes like I'm the little kid who's trying to be bigger.

I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I know I'm working hard and pushing myself. There are days I want to cut myself off from the world, but be in touch. I think we all go through this crisis. It's like I'm in limbo or treading water in the deepest part of the pool.  I know enough to write a novel, I'm just not might not be good enough to get there . . . yet.  I know that you need to be determined and keep going no matter how many rejections beat you down. So why do I feel like I'm on the outside? Do I put myself there? Maybe. It can be all in your mindset. I know I need to be proud of the work that I've done to this point and that I can only keep learning to make it even better. There are days I feel invisible and my inner writer is yelling that I can and to just do. It gets to the point of numbness in the brain where taking a break doesn't cure it.

I take deep breaths and think. Let the stories come to me and write them, revise them, and make them better. This is what I wanted and I have to take the good with the bad and not care about place. I have to care about me and where I want to go.

As for goals: I'm planning them loosely. I did hit 13,000 words on my new project. I'm pantsing/loose outlining it, so many, many, many revisions are in order. These characters minds are out of control. I hope to write more this week. With the kids off, and work, not much is getting done.

What are your goals this week?

How was your weekend?

On Friday, a piece of my new stuff will be ripped apart critiqued on Dianne Salerni's blog and Marcy Hatch's blog. These gals are super sweet so I know they will be nice, and honest, but I always get scared when I put something out there.

Have a great day!

6 comments:

  1. My goals this week are to make it thru - my daughter's play opens tonight so there will be drama of all kinds ;-)

    Good luck on Friday! I'm sure it will go well.

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  2. I hate those days of insecurity and wondering if you're doing what you should be doing. The good thing is, they usually pass! Good luck with the WiP!

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  3. I'm still here blogging and commenting but feel a little disconnected now since I'm working on my next book. Guess both require a certain part of one's brain.
    You'll be fine on Friday!

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  4. LOL -- we will not rip it apart, I promise!! I know I have some suggestions, but I've been doing this long enough to know Marcy will probably make suggestions that are the opposite of mine.

    The trick is finding which suggestions resonate with you and get you excited and then follow them.

    As for insecurity, at the launch party for the Sourcebooks Fire imprint in March 2010, I showed up early, then hid in the stacks for over an hour because I was too shy/insecure/terrified to talk to the editors who were setting up. Top that!

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  5. I've had days (weeks, months) like this. All writers do.

    My goal is to finish the edits to my novel so I can send it to my CP and beta readers. Amazingly enough they want to read it again!!!

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  6. Honestly, Christine, you are not alone---we ALL feel this, some days worse than others. Just keep going, you! (((hugs)))

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