Friday, August 22, 2014

Yep, I'm still here.

Wow! It's been a while. I'm still here though. I'm still writing and putting my work out there. There isn't anything really exciting going on so I haven't posted. I could talk about the craft, which I will try to do. I know I've said this before, but then life takes over and my writing takes over blogging.

I did take a break over the summer. Not by choice, though. Kids schedules were more demanding now than ever. My alone time was extremely limited. I was always anticipating one monster or the other needing something. "Mom!" was a common word in my house and there were times I'd rather be in a padded room.

I wanted to write and be into it like I was. I searched for that feeling. You know the one where you're super excited even in the tough time of slapping words on paper or even revising. But that feeling wasn't there. I thought it was gone for good. I also limited myself from the world of social media. It was making me feel unaccomplished.

I was burned out, tired of the whole game. I was dealing with emotional junk that was the aftermath of it all. I thought I battled through the demons, when in fact, they were just waiting to strike. In their path, they sucked the life out of me, taking creativity and confidence with it. I had more confidence when I knew nothing a few years back and that's not saying much. I let it all get to me even though I said it didn't. But I put on a smile and said everything was fine. My life itself was, but my writing life was not. A piece was missing . . .lost and confused. That was the writing. It was being held hostage and tortured, making me doubt everything.

All along, I've been fighting them and repressing these dark demons, but I needed a break from all that got me here so I could  clear my head and start over. I stopped sending out queries as well. I wasn't hearing back from any agent and I was tired. My steam faded. Why was I doing this? I do want an agent. I still do. I know that's the path I want to go down. But something kept fluttering along with that reason. I also wanted an agent to prove that I'm worthy. That I can be an equal. That I am a writer. I wanted to be in the club. I wanted to say, yep someone in the biz finds me "good enough." Acceptance.

But is that what makes you accepted and seen as a writer? There are so many other opportunities to prove that. Right? At least, that's what I'm aiming towards now. There are options. An agent isn't the only thing that gains you respect. Excellent writing does. Whether it's published or not. I know and have been told so many stories of the life after signing that piece of paper. Some really fantastic and some total suckage.

I would like to aim for the fantastic side, but that might require a dozen manuscripts before one is good for the market. That's the main reason I get rejections. It's not sellable. But I'm not going to write stuff for the market. We are told to write what we want. Now, it's up to the writing gods to sprinkle a little luck my way.

That feeling has sparked back inside me. I have revisions to finish on a manuscript that I want to query. Yep, I said query. This will be the third one that I will send to trenches. I have to have hope or the demons will win. I can't let them. I'm better than that. Over the summer, I grew that thick skin everyone talks about, and so far, the rejection I just received didn't bother me as much. Sure it was bittersweet, but for once, I have hope that the next manuscript could be the one that grabs more attention. Maybe it will be better for the market. If not, I'll swallow it down and chalk it up with strengthening the craft.

I am also eager to work on something new, which I'm pretty excited about.

So, why tell you all this? These moments come and you may feel like you don't belong or are not accepted, don't, you're writing. If you continue, you will grow. It might take time or you might have great luck. I know I say all of this in one form or another, but I'm human. I give in to the dark side now and again because I get tired of the fight. The negatives win. But we only have one life (I do like to think there are other things going on after it, but I have to be realistic here. Let's leave that for my stories), we only get one shot to enjoy it. I see what the demons can do to people. And to me it's not worth giving in.

Although, I wish I had a superpower or was alien. But that's for my stories to tell.

So, how is everyone?

 What are you working on?

Have a great day!!

5 comments:

  1. Which superpower?
    The lines of acceptance are so blurred now. And it's different for so many. I don't have an agent - never want one - but I feel accepted.
    Good to hear from you Christine.

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  2. I think everyone gets burned out and frustrated no matter what the profession. Taking a break, no matter how long, seems to be just what you needed, and that's great. I'm glad you're back and ready to work :)

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  3. Its a good place when you can accept the rejections without letting it damper your drive to get your queries out there. Keep it up and good luck!
    Edge of Your Seat Stories

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  4. I was feeling pretty burned out this summer, too. I plugged half-heartedly at a WIP I didn't love and smashed all my ideas for future projects with the "It's not marketable" hammer.

    I think what I really needed was to walk away from the creative composition side of things. I put away the non-fiction books I was reading, desperately hoping they would spark an idea. I loaded my Kindle with books for pleasure reading. I started working on how to pitch myself as a presenter, visiting schools and libraries. I ignored my WIP.

    When I wasn't trying to force the writing, a little voice started talking to me. A new character. And the plot snarl in my WIP started to loosen up a bit.

    I'm posting about this at Project Mayhem later this week. Demotivation. For you, the demotivator was query-response or lack thereof. For me, it was pushing out word count as the indicator of success. (Not helped by someone who shall remain nameless posting her unbelievable daily word counts all summer on FB ...)

    Sometimes breaks are exactly what you need to reset your head!

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  5. You're back! Yay! Breaks are so important. You need to step away once in a while and let things simmer. You also need to re-energize. Sounds like it's finally working for you, and I'm glad to hear it. Don't ever take rejections personally. I've been collecting them for decades and I always feel a little down, then I bounce back in a day or so.

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