I will admit it--I'm socially awkward. There. I said it. Many people find me strange. I know they do. The thing is--there are times, I just don't know what to say or how to even approach certain situations. It's a battle that I've had throughout my life. Mostly on the outside I can pull it off, but inside I'm cringing that I said something stupid or wrong. It's not that I don't like to talk to people, in fact over the years, I've gotten better, but I know there are times where I'm sure people think, "There's something wrong there." They retreat and become silent.
Another problem is trust. In the past, I put my trust into a lot of people only to be let down in the end. So I approach carefully to every encounter I have and when I feel threaten I go silent. It's not that that person is the problem or even did anything wrong, I curl up worried I'll be hurt again. So I stop and go into a dark cave.
I'm not sure how to cure it or even how to move ahead, but it's a battle and in the end I'm embarrassed and ashamed and lose many friends over the process.
Last year, I retreated, curling up in my hole. I tried to be silent because I was scared and embarrassed at my own writing. Why would anyone want to read my stuff? I can't get a request. But the thing is-- it's all in my head. I'm my own worst enemy. I worry too much how others see me than how I should see me. I follow the rules and I'm learning that it's not always necessary. This business is subjective so no matter how perfect I try to make my stuff, it may not get there because it wasn't liked due to personal preference.
I've been trying to break open my shell this year and throw all my worries to the wind, renewing old friendships and hoping I didn't lose too many. I'm approaching writing differently too. I focus on me. I try not to stay on social media too much and worry that I'm far behind and all the questions that come with it--why can't I catch up? Why can't I just get there? Where is that sign of progress? I will put that aside, the best I can, and move forward. Not letting what others say bother me, but take it as a lesson. Let it roll off as they say. I will put my needs first and not just please. I will because I know I can. I can't thank those who have supported me enough. They have been there through it all and my gratitude and support for them is all I can give.
I know I've been posting about my feelings a lot on this journey, and well, I don't have much to report so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed with this blog. I can't devote as much time as I once did. I will update on other events and writer stuff, but I had meant for this to be a place where other writers could come and maybe find that they are not alone. To share their experiences through this process.
I don't want to keep posting things over and over again because let's face it--that's writing. It has ups and downs and ins and outs. Things take forever and they repeat, it doesn't always have happy endings that continue. So I will be thinking of ways to change a little but keep the essence of what I started with. I'm in a quiet period. I have some things in the works, which are great and have me smiling and I will talk about soon, but on the whole querying front, the crickets are chirping and maybe this book isn't it, which is fine. I'll move on quietly. Here's my motto for the year. :) Write on people.
Are you socially awkward too?
Have a great day!!